I'm so stressed out. I didn't think I was capable of going depressed because I've always been such an optimistic person, but now the stress that comes along with life is really straining on me and I'm losing faith. I'm trying to hold on, but I'm really just hanging on by a thread now.

I've always hated people who talked about how depressing their life was because of so and so or because of this and that, I've always thought they were just out there looking for sympathy to make themselves feel better because they were too weak minded to look at the brighter things in life. and that they really don't have it bad at all. But now that I'm one of them, I can't help it but feel for them.

What a coincidence that a co worker of mine sent me an email today that said "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle! Beside, you appreciate every small mercy; so do they."

I honestly do think God is punishing me for all of the bad things I have done to people and I get it now, I really am trying to be a better person and most of all I'm really trying to forgive. If there's one thing I've learned from going to gio ly (sunday school) every sunday when I was a teenager, that would have to be to forgive everyone. But forgiving is only easy if the other person is willing to do the same with you.

God I get it now, can't you see that I'm trying to better myself everyday? You can't stop punishing me now.

These days, I think I'm only here because of my immediate family. If it wasn't for them, I would've done the things my mind have dreamt of while going to dark places. I mean why are we all living just to die? We're all going to end up the same sometime down the road that's going to be buried underneath the ground or cremated in ashes. Time for life is so short, but whats the whole point if we're all going to end up the same? Ugh, I feel like I used to know the answer and when I repeat the same answer to myself, it's like I can't process it and I won't accept it.

To whoever is reading this. This is a side I've never seen or thought I was capable of but it's happening. and I'm falling into depression more and more everyday. I'm so sad guys.
 

There's no doubt about it that out of all of the guys I have dated, there's just an indescribable feeling I have for the man I am with now. I just don't know if it's love or not. It may just be a word but to me it has a lot of meanings, meanings that are valuable to me and I don't want to say it to just anyone. He isn't just an anyone but I truly believe there is only one love for us all. I suppose there's never really anyway of truly knowing what love is, but someone give me a hint.

If I found the place, would I recognize the face?

Over the past week, the word love + him was all I could think about. --I've always given off this vibe to people that I'm this strong person on the inside, whatever that God throws at me I would be able to handle it myself and that I could never be scared of anything or anyone but the two unusual phobias that I have. Because how people perceive you is how you allow yourself to be perceived. But no matter how strong I may or may not be, I'm defnitely scared of letting all of my guards down, allowing myself to be vulnerable to the man I care about only to get nothing but distrust, lies, rejection, and a stolen heart in return. But I'm Tammy, Tamzilla Le, my heart of fire is encased in ice. There is no way anyone or anything could get me down but my immediate family.

How does someone know when they've finally found love? Because I'm thinking it might be him...yes it's tellin' me it might be him.

Something's tellin me it might be you
Yeah it's tellin me it must be you
and I'm feeling it'll just be you
all of my life

Minneapolis, MN || St. Louis, MO

• the 10,000+ lakes; I really really do miss running around lake calhoun, jetskiing, boating, fishing, bbq'ing, pontooning, swimming, or just plain old driving by the lakes in the spring/summer
• the cleanliness; I know this probably sounds really stupid, but after living in STL boy have I missed the cleanliness of MN..from parks to parking lots or the malls MN is just cleaner
• the nightlife; the nightlife in MN really was just that much better than STL's...no offense but the clubs down here are whack unless I take 6 shots of unknown drinks and 5 patron shots like the previous weekend then maybe I'll dance my ass off and have fun.
• Sushi Tango; I <3 their yummy green muscles (I actually missed this so much that I found a similar recipe online which I will be trying out asap) and oysters...everytime the boyfriend and I visit we"ve had to make a stop.
•  living in the suburbs; I miss the private hill that my parents' house is on. I miss not having to know how to parallel park a car
• Mystic Lake; not the gambling or the hundreds of asians that go there everyday, but the weekly all you can eat seafood buffet, mMmMMm prime rib, oysters, and crab legs here I come!
• MOA; I love how all of my favorite stores are all under one roof! one stop shop
• no sales tax; sure it may only be a couple of dollars, but a couple of dollars here and there really do add up! i bought a pair of booties the other day and the sales tax was nearly $7.00!!! that's lunch.
• Cub Foods; their prices are REALLY "everyday low prices" . Schnucks prices just can't compare.
•  MN state fair; corn on the cob covered in butter and salt, cheese curds, funnel cakes, tons of deep fried food on a stick, fair like type rides, concerts..whats not to love? I haven't been to the Great Minnesota Get together in two years now and everytime Labor day weekend rolls around I'm tempted to buy a plane ticket up there for a day just so I can goto the fair.
•  

• Steak 'N Shake; their Frisco melt is the reason why I gained 10lbs
• working Downtown; I love working in the business-ish atmosphere, plus the hours of operartions downtown seems to run on (no work on weekends!!!)
•  the closeness of everything; everything is so close together that driving 20minutes out to my uncle's restaurant for lunch/dinner seems like a road trip. saves on gas!
•  the fujiyama roll from Nippon Tei; that roll is my favorite all time sushi roll. i don't know whats in it but I know the roll is breaded and deep fried...YUM. Plus this restaurant seems to be the only good sushi restaurant in STL
• pride in the STL Cardinals; I love how they have so much pride in their team whether they're winning or losing. oh and how much they hate the Chicago Cubs.
• Harry's Cheesecakes; best strawberry cheesecakes in the WORLD. i bought one for chairty in our buildings cake walk thing and both my boyfriend and I killed the cake.

• the wannabes there; it seems like 70% of the asian community there are wannabe gangsters or wannabe get rich or die tryin type of people. how annoying.
• the super cold freezing temps plus the snow; there was a point in life where i loved the snow, but that was when I could jump in the snow, build snow forts on the deck of my house and have a big snowball fight with all of the kids on our block but since those days are over, i hate it.

• the drivers; 90% of these people need to go back and retake their road test. you don't know how many i just wanna get out of the car w/a bat and smash these people's windshields.
• hwy 64/40 construction; it was one of the most used highways in the STL metro and they close half of it down for construction for a year and then after that they'll be closing the other half down..bringing the traffic to all the little inside roads.
•  

0	Your score is 90	100

What you're doing well:
You do not use tobacco.		You travel close to speed limit.
You drink little or no alcohol.		You eat a low fat/low cholesterol diet.
You have a regular mammogram.		You have good overall physical health.
Your blood pressure is under 120/80.		Your cholesterol level is below 200.
Your weight is within desirable range.		You have a positive outlook on life.
You use a safety belt all the time.		You have a low stress level.
What you can do better:
Do a breast self-exam monthly.		Talk to your health professional about routine preventive services: Tetanus booster shot, Pap smear test
Increase your physical activity level.

Get moving. The greatest health benefit occurs when you move from being totally inactive to being physically active.

• Physical activity can improve your mental alertness, self-esteem, sleep and help you cope with stress.
• Aim for activity that adds up to a total of 30 minutes on most days.
• Physical activity includes walking, jogging, swimming, cycling and "lifestyle" activities such as work on the house, garden and yard.
• Do strength training two times a week to keep muscles toned, to improve balance, to preserve bone density and to improve endurance.
• Regular stretching increases flexibility.
• Schedule your exercise and make it a habit.
• Exercise with a friend, family member or co-worker to keep on-track.

Congratulations on having a healthy weight. You've reduced your risk of heart disease, high blood pressure, gallbladder disease and diabetes.

• Good nutrition not only helps control weight but enhances your energy and health.
• Choose a diet low in fat, especially saturated fat and cholesterol.
• Consume plenty of vegetables, fruits and grain products.
• Use sugars in moderation.
• Regular physical activity helps you to maintain a healthy weight.

Body fat percentage is an estimate of the percent of total body mass that is fat mass as opposed to lean body mass, known as fat-free mass. Lean muscle mass consists of bone, blood, muscles, water and organ tissue. Body Mass Index (BMI) is a number calculated from a person's weight and height. BMI does not measure the percent of body fat. Some individuals may have a high BMI but not have a high percent of body fat. The reverse, however, may also be true. Someone with normal BMI may have a high percent of fat.

Based on your present weight, you are within the healthy weight range set by national guidelines.

Celebrate the well-being, satisfaction and control in your life that you have by better handling your stress.

Stress is your body's response to the demands of daily living. Any event can be stressful, whether it is positive or negative. How you handle stress determines its effect.

To continue to stay on track:

• Stay aware of your stress and what triggers it.
• Take time daily to relax in a way that works for you.
• Talk with someone you trust about your feelings.
• Eat well and eat regularly. Good nutrition is important.
• Aim to be physically active in some way every day.

Congratulations! You are one of the over 200 million Americans who choose the healthy, tobacco-free lifestyle.

• As a non-tobacco-user, you have lowered chances of lung cancer, heart disease and stroke.
• Avoid secondhand smoke which is known to cause cancer. Choose non-smoking public areas.
• Support loved ones or friends if they try to quit smoking.

Congratulations! Your blood pressure is within the recommended range. High blood pressure is a major risk factor for heart disease, stroke, kidney failure and vision problems, and it often has no symptoms.

• Continue to check and monitor your blood pressure at least every two years.
• Learn and practice ways to manage anger and stress.
• Remember that weight, physical activity, alcohol use and smoking are lifestyle factors that could lead to high blood pressure.

Maintaining your cholesterol level reduces the risk of developing heart disease.

• The higher your HDL cholesterol level (the good cholesterol), the better.
• Frequent exercise raises levels of HDL.
• Regular exercise, not smoking, a healthy weight and eating low-fat foods contribute to good cholesterol management.
• A high level of LDL cholesterol (the bad cholesterol) means there is a higher risk of heart disease.
• High triglyceride levels can result if you are overweight, drink excessive alcohol, or have diabetes or other disorders.

Drink responsibly if you ever drink alcohol occasionally as a part of social activities. Most adults may be able to drink moderate amounts of alcohol--up to one drink per day for women--and avoid alcohol-related problems.

You should not drink at all:

• If you plan to drive.
• If you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant.
• If you take certain medications, including over-the-counter medicines.
• If you have medical conditions that can be worsened by drinking.
• If you are a recovering alcoholic.

If you ever think alcohol is becoming a problem for someone close to you or for you, get help.

Congratulations for deciding to wear your safety belt.

• Don't drink if you plan to drive and don't drive after drinking.
• Never place the shoulder belt under your arm. In a collision you may break a rib, causing a puncture of the lung or heart.
• Wearing your safety belt sends a positive message to children and other passengers to buckle up as well.

You reported no diseases or health problems.

If you have any health concerns that are not addressed in your health risk appraisal, please discuss them with your physician. You alone are responsible for your health!

• Schedule an annual physical exam and regular check-ups. They could save your life! Early detection of a disease or illness increases your chance of a positive outcome.

• Inform all doctors (including your dentist) about your medications and nutritional supplements to make sure they are being used appropriately.

• Keep a record of any changes in your life and health, such as physical activity, eating habits, sleep, health symptoms and emotional well-being.

• Lead a healthy life. Eat well, be physically active, limit alcohol intake, avoid tobacco and keep a positive outlook. Be the best you can be!

• You reported you do not floss everyday. Brushing, as well as flossing your teeth once a day, is important for healthy teeth and gums.

• You reported you do not wear sunscreen or adequate clothing when in the sun all of the time. Sun exposure speeds up the aging process and is the leading cause of skin cancer. If you must be in the sun, use a sunscreen of at least SPF 15 and avoid the sun when it is most intense.
• Blood glucose is a screen for diabetes. The normal range for a non-fasting blood glucose test is less than 140. Your glucose is 83. If your results are out of range, please contact your physician to review your results.

Even if you are satisfied with your life, there are ways to avoid an unbalanced life in the future. Balancing your life leads to better health, higher life satisfaction and improved family relationships.

• Watch out for thinking everything has to be done perfectly.
• Set priorities and decide what does or does not need to be done.
• Positive thinking is good for your physical and mental well-being.
• Find ways to continuously improve the quality of your relationships with family and with others.
• Set aside time for relaxation.

See your physician and make sure you are up-to-date with your preventive service exams.

Tetanus booster shot		Pap smear test
Blood pressure		Dental exam
( = Good job, you're up-to-date! )

Other generally recommended services for your age and sex:

Measles-Rubella vaccine

Okay so basically other than the three things I need to work on I'm pretty much considered "healthy".  Pretty proud of myself, almost like it comes naturally...

Sometimes we all wonder things. Whether its in class during a really boring video or sometimes it might just be in the car driving somewhere.

You know what I sometimes wonder? We all put smiles on our faces like everythings fine, everythings perfect. But there will only be one or two people in our lives who'll see through those smiles and see the truth behind it. Even the ones you thought knew you well may not even know the difference between your real smiles and the fake you put on everyday.

Will we ever become those people we dreamed of when we were younger? Yeah those dreams we've had when we were younger may have changed, but our dreams are still chaste. We still don't see the reality in things yet.

We're all just crazy make-believe characters in this story we call life.

*

Question: After being disappointed many times. When do you know its time to stop hoping?
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Answer: You don't know. You just never stop hoping. The crazy-funny-happy feeling you get when you do hope and you do get more than expected is worth it, rather than hoping and being disappointed or worse not hoping at all. Plus its impossible to completely stop hoping anyway.

False hope is better than no hope.

For public speaking, we're doing a special occasion speech. We get to pick from toasts, graduation commencement, tributes etc. and I picked the graduation commencement speech. I've had help with editing with T and Dan. But i wanna see what everyone else thinks of it so far. I still have to add things to it to make it sound a little better and the timing. It has to be within the time frame of 5-7 minutes. and so far I only have 4 minutes.

Feel free to criticize, give suggestions and advice. I want you to be harsh on it! I have to do last minute add-ons tmr, because I give the speech on Wednesday and am really thinking about trying out to be the graduation speaker on thursday.